As much as it hurts me to say it, I have been going through a really rough time in my life. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part, my life is great. I just haven’t had the motivation to do the things that I need to do to be the best that I can be.
I was doing great, exercising, sticking to my nutrition plan, taking my supplements, drinking plenty of water, trying to get plenty of sleep, but that all came to a crashing halt on March 4, 2017, during dinner where I was celebrating my anniversary with my wife. The month of March, which is usually a celebratory month, with my birthday and anniversary being a week apart, turned out to be the worst month of my life.
In the weeks preceding March, I had gone to Florida to visit my sick father. When I booked my flight, Dad had just been cleared to continue his recovery at home, and I was planning to spend lots of quality time with him at his dream house, celebrate his 79th birthday, and try not to miss my family too much on Valentine’s Day. I instead spent most of the time I was in Florida either at South Lake Hospital or at a rehab center where it seemed Dad was improving daily. It was rough seeing him in this condition, but the huge improvements that I saw the first day, when he could barely get a single word out, to the day I left, where he was walking with a walker and having conversations with me, gave me hope that he would be able to recover and return to a somewhat normal life.
This takes me back to March 4th (the day after my anniversary) and quite possibly the most awkward dinner I have ever had. I don’t think the waiter was expecting the response that I gave him when he ask my how I was doing. Just a few days earlier, Dad had been sent home to live out his last days in his dream house, as the doctors at the hospital felt there was nothing else they could do for him. Mom called us while we were driving to the restaurant telling us that he had declined dramatically and that he wouldn’t be alive much longer and we were able to say our goodbyes while driving. We all knew that the end was coming, just not as fast as it did. As we sat down for dinner, I received the call from Mom telling me that Dad has just passed away. It was just moments after I got the last call that Dad has passed away that the waiter came and asked how we were doing. The only response I could think of was “Horrible.” No other explanation was given to him about why I was doing horrible, and I sort of feel bad for the fact that that was the only thing I could think of, but my dad had just died and I couldn’t think of anything else to say and I didn’t really feel like lying to him and telling him that my tear-soaked face and red eyes were from happy tears. The rest of the dinner was spent with me wiping my tears and my nose, and trying not to start uncontrollably sobbing in public. I was in a state of shock and I don’t remember much from the dinner except that I didn’t really eat that much.
I really didn’t know how to react to the death of a loved one (and I still don’t think I do) because this is the first time I had lost somebody so close to me. I never really had grandparents growing up and I wasn’t that close to my aunts and uncles that have died, though I loved them all dearly and have really fond memories of spending time with them.
During the following week, when the whole family got together in Florida, I tried sticking to my nutrition and exercise program, but I failed miserably. I was able to stick to my healthy breakfast for the most part, but besides that, it was at best 20% of the time. Since then, I have really fallen off. I have lost all the motivation that I had before to exercise, eat right, and maintain the healthy lifestyle that I know that I need. The last time I went running was the week that I was in Florida visiting my parents and the only exercise I have done since then is walking during my lunch break. That is why I have decided to write this blog.
I am hoping for a few different things to happen because of writing this and telling of some of my experiences. First, I want to be able to find my motivation(s) again. I want to analyze what motivates me and hopefully find out what motivates others. I want to be able to help others that are going through the same types of things that I am going through. If I can help somebody besides myself, then I think it is well worth my time to sit down and write out what is going on in my head. Since I am still dealing with it now, there are still some things about coping with the death of a loved one that I want to get out and I’m hoping it will ease my pain a little and help others at the same time. I also want to be able to get things out of my head that I don’t feel comfortable talking about with people face to face. The story above about my dad would have been impossible to say out loud. I had strong emotions just typing it (man talk for “cried while typing it”) and I really want to get my story, my struggles, and successes out there for other people to hear and hopefully that will help other people improve themselves and their lives in general.